Dani, Part 2

•June 11, 2014 • Leave a Comment

These days seem to be fraught with regrets of times long past.  In a way, that’s what all this writing I’m doing is all about.  Helping me move on and get “past my past”.

History seems to be repeating itself, and I’m not sure if I can handle it again.  I’m madly in love with someone I doubt will ever really want me apart from just a cheap thrill now and again.  Why do all the ones who I want don’t want me and all the ones that do are COMPLETELY INSANE??!!  Maybe I attract crazies.  Then again Danielle isn’t exactly 100% sane, but maybe we have the same lack of sanity.  Who knows.

I want to say something.  I want to tell her.  It’s a mistake, I know, but I can’t just keep this bottled up or nothing good will come of it.  If I say something nothing good will come of it.  What the hell do I do?  I admit my infatuation with her, and most likely I never speak to her again.  Say nothing and I may get some luvin’ out of it.  Hmm.  Maybe keeping my mouth shut has it’s merits.

Why do all the ones I want have to be completely unattainable?  Well, it seems in this case, partly. Ha.

I love the way she thinks – its not just her body or the way she looks.  She has no censor.  I actually admire that in a person.

Like Puppets on a String, Untangle You from Me

•June 11, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Eight years.  That’s how long it has been now.  Eight years.  From the catalyst event that was October 2006 until now.

The truth?  I was the fool.  It got me hooked on a very bad habit.  Opiate abuse. Vicodin, oxycodone, oxymorphone, dilaudid, heroin…you name it, I’ve probably done it.  This post’s title seemed appropriate.

What has happened since October of 2006?  Rider University, Keystone Memory Group, McCollister’s, Elitecore, and Sleep & Wellness.

I was a functioning addict for six years- if holding down a job is what passes as “functioning”.  I could barely do anything else except work.  Work, sleep, and be sick when I couldn’t get my fix.

This whole time I’ve been walking on a razor’s edge.  I’ve done bad things, and I’ve done good things.  I try to keep on the good side of the razor whenever possible.

Ever since April of 2012 I have been in my recovery/work “program” at Sleep & Wellness.  Serving as their IT director while undergoing therapy.  Dr. Siddique has been my savior.  I doubt I would be here to write this if he hadn’t taken the interest he did in me.

The old life keeps tugging at my sleeve like an impatient child with their parent at a store, whose contents don’t interest him or her.  The child wants his way.  He is in hell so long as he is ignored.

To this end I’ve been eager to do something drastic, like change my phone number, or some such.  Something to keep the impatient child at bay and to keep me on the straight and narrow.

This biog is an effort at doing so.  So few people listen, so I might as well talk amongst…well, myself.

It is now after 1AM.  Time to get some rest.  I will be writing more tomorrow.  Hopefully earlier so that I can write more.  This is my sanctuary of my thoughts.  Good god I need some sleep.

You’re on my mind…

•June 10, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I need to get this out on to paper.  This isn’t poetry or prose (speaking of which it’s quite dusty in here – haven’t written in quite some time).  I need to get this out of my head before it consumes me.

Alone in a crowd with Danielle.  I feel like she actually gets me.  I feel myself falling madly in love with her.  This is not good.  She doesn’t want me to love her.  She doesn’t want me to be honest about how I feel.  I fear that if I tell her what I feel, that I will not only lose her as a lover- but as a friend.  We met at work as co-workers.  We are the same age.  It’s kind of weird for me because I don’t usually understand people my age – but I feel like I understand Danielle.  We don’t deny we are very attracted to one another.  She is beautiful – her long, dark hair with a touch of red highlights – her amazing body – her eyes (oh my god her eyes).  Her no-nonsense, rough and tumble personality.  Of course from my point of view she’s with the wrong man – a kid.  A boy barely turned 18 or 19.  I feel bad because he is a good guy, but he’s not exactly mature enough for her.  I consider him a friend too, though, which complicates this considerably.

God damn it.

She is my Mona Sax to my Max Payne.

If this were a perfect world (and this is just another reminder that it is not a perfect world by any means), I would do anything if it meant making her mine.  I haven’t felt the yearning to be with a woman in a very long time that wasn’t…her.  I want to take her pain away.  I wan’t to make her life a better one.

Please don’t misunderstand me when I say this – and I am going to.  I know the repercussions of saying this means a devastating end to a very good, and very young, friendship.

I want to tell her so badly.  I love you.  Those three simple world-shattering words.

Her pain runs deep – I can feel it.  It permeates everything she is but she doesn’t realize it…at least I don’t think she does.  I pity her earlier life.  I admire her for changing her once terrible and painful existence.  I’ll boil it down to the following: I have too large a heart.  We were supposed to be just “friends with benefits”.  When I first touched her and when her lips met mine, the air charged electric.  What can I say – I love a damaged woman.

And history repeats itself.  She won’t love me back.  I know she won’t.  All I ever hoped for in this life was to love someone with all my heart and make someone as happy as they make me.

In the beginning, I told her what she wanted to hear – just to have someone to fool around with.  WHY AM I ALWAYS THE “OTHER MAN”???  Am I too affectionate?  Too dominated by my emotions?  Shit.

If I can’t say it aloud, then I will say it here – where no one but me will hear it.

I love you, Danielle Marenda.  I just wish things were different.  If you would let me – I would love you for everything you are.  Totally and completely.  But, as you wished, I cannot and will not…because apparently its “wrong”.  (WHY?!?!)   Why is love wrong?  Damn you society.

And then depression set in.  It’s 2:48 AM.  Shit.  I’m going to be fucking tired for work…again.

Afterparty

•August 11, 2011 • Leave a Comment

The lights go down and the edge dulls
but the friends you let in just won’t go home
Is it just me?  I don’t know.
Stare at the faces that won’t say hello.

Is it another day tomorrow?
Is tomorrow another day?
Tomorrow.

Take a walk with me to my castle on the hill
and in half-lit haze it’s all I want to see
There’s a shadow between the trees
He looks like me, but he’s praying on his knees

Is it another day tomorrow?
Is tomorrow another day?
Tomorrow.

And you ran when she cried for me
Across the graveyard of has-been dreams
She begged for one more day
one more day- tomorrow

Tomorrow.

Know My Feel

•July 26, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Always saying sorry, but I rarely mean it
Sometimes my jokes are bad, but you forgive me
Times that I get frantic, its you who keeps me sane
Put apart from being broken, but that’s okay

You own the love that I got
Just thought that you should know

Never had my act together, but you keep me in my place
Two and two never got me through, its all the same
Listen for the thunder, watch for rain and run
Got my head hung with worry, but out you bring the sun

You own the love that I got
Just thought that you should know

I know there was once or twice when I tried too hard to win
And I really didn’t mean all those stinging things I said
So go ahead, if you want to hit me, you can

Always saying sorry, and a swear I mean it this time
Sometimes my jokes are bad, but you laugh with me
Times that I get frantic, you keep my head on straight
Put together from being broken, no other way

You own the love that I got
Just thought that you should know

Puddle Jumper

•May 24, 2010 • 1 Comment

I step over the edge in the light air and let the wind rush into my open mouth.  I try to squeeze it all out as its coming in.  The drop is far and the water’s thousand licking, hungry tongues await to taste my descent into their angry mouth.  If man were truly meant to fly he would have been given wings.  Speaking of the losing battle of genetic lotteries, I was clipped of wings and given a great family of billions of step-brothers and step-sisters who would rather declare war on good intention then try to preserve it (not to mention having wings right now would also be pretty useful).  Even the simplest thing like spreading your fingers open and stretching a naive palm out in the action of greeting someone hello has become an act of deceit.  Long gone are the days when opening one’s hand in greeting symbolized one’s weapon hand was empty.  The first demonstration of peace and greeting with good intention.  Now the action itself is a weapon.  Hands are con men waiting to seal the deal of their misdeeds.  Hands snatch up unsuspecting victims as a Venus Flytrap, complete with a nectar cloak to hide the snare.

Wings would really help right now.

Or maybe its not worth it.  Maybe I regret the jump and want to back out of the pact I made with the water, although the water is the only honesty I have.  It will not break its promises.  It will not lie, it will not cheat me.  It will do what it will do to the very letter of that pact.  The water is an assassin.

Maybe there is a yin and yang to my hired gun.  I fall nearer, and see the shimmering blue change to gray.  The beauty of the water is not its own.  The gift of the water’s beauty is from the sky from which I fall. Maybe it is not perfectly honest.  It too has a false welcome.

Of this I’m certain my step-family will have much to say.

I will earn my fifteen minutes of infamy.  My crime  is not my death, they will say.  Their laments will be ones of anger and shame.  They will say that clipped Icarus did not love them with all of my heart and my death was to show them how little I loved them.  They say I am selfish.  They say I did not enjoy my daily lashing like they give each other.  Their love is a one of blows.

They love so much that the world changes around them.  Where the earth was untouched, their love made rivers of blue water.  Their love wrung all the blue from the sky.  One day their love will strip all color from the world until no one knows color anymore.  Just black and white.

Hopefully someone takes a picture and so that the world will be remembered for what it was before it is too late.

Maybe I’ll breathe in so hard the imperial air will fill me like a balloon and float me high into the day’s dying light.

Black and white.

Know My Feel (Work in Progress)

•May 7, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Always saying sorry, but I rarely mean it
sometimes my jokes are bad, but you’ll forgive me
Frantic as I get, it’s you who keeps me sane
Put apart from being broken, but that’s okay

You own the love that I got

Never had my act together, but you keep me in my place
Two and two never got me through its all the same
Listen for the thunder, watch for rain and run
Head hung with worry, but out you bring the sun

You own the love that I got
despite the times we both forgot
I know there was once or twice when I tried too hard to win
and didn’t mean all that stinging I brought in
so go ahead
if you want to hit me
you can

 
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