I need to get this out on to paper. This isn’t poetry or prose (speaking of which it’s quite dusty in here – haven’t written in quite some time). I need to get this out of my head before it consumes me.
Alone in a crowd with Danielle. I feel like she actually gets me. I feel myself falling madly in love with her. This is not good. She doesn’t want me to love her. She doesn’t want me to be honest about how I feel. I fear that if I tell her what I feel, that I will not only lose her as a lover- but as a friend. We met at work as co-workers. We are the same age. It’s kind of weird for me because I don’t usually understand people my age – but I feel like I understand Danielle. We don’t deny we are very attracted to one another. She is beautiful – her long, dark hair with a touch of red highlights – her amazing body – her eyes (oh my god her eyes). Her no-nonsense, rough and tumble personality. Of course from my point of view she’s with the wrong man – a kid. A boy barely turned 18 or 19. I feel bad because he is a good guy, but he’s not exactly mature enough for her. I consider him a friend too, though, which complicates this considerably.
God damn it.
She is my Mona Sax to my Max Payne.
If this were a perfect world (and this is just another reminder that it is not a perfect world by any means), I would do anything if it meant making her mine. I haven’t felt the yearning to be with a woman in a very long time that wasn’t…her. I want to take her pain away. I wan’t to make her life a better one.
Please don’t misunderstand me when I say this – and I am going to. I know the repercussions of saying this means a devastating end to a very good, and very young, friendship.
I want to tell her so badly. I love you. Those three simple world-shattering words.
Her pain runs deep – I can feel it. It permeates everything she is but she doesn’t realize it…at least I don’t think she does. I pity her earlier life. I admire her for changing her once terrible and painful existence. I’ll boil it down to the following: I have too large a heart. We were supposed to be just “friends with benefits”. When I first touched her and when her lips met mine, the air charged electric. What can I say – I love a damaged woman.
And history repeats itself. She won’t love me back. I know she won’t. All I ever hoped for in this life was to love someone with all my heart and make someone as happy as they make me.
In the beginning, I told her what she wanted to hear – just to have someone to fool around with. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE “OTHER MAN”??? Am I too affectionate? Too dominated by my emotions? Shit.
If I can’t say it aloud, then I will say it here – where no one but me will hear it.
I love you, Danielle Marenda. I just wish things were different. If you would let me – I would love you for everything you are. Totally and completely. But, as you wished, I cannot and will not…because apparently its “wrong”. (WHY?!?!) Why is love wrong? Damn you society.
And then depression set in. It’s 2:48 AM. Shit. I’m going to be fucking tired for work…again.